February 20, 2006

And now this.

President Bush, who began his second term denying the existence of the sun, has reversed himself. Sunlight, previously viewed by the Administration as an evil, undemocratic, non-oil form of energy, was acknowledged Monday by the administration to (a) be "a friend of liberty," and (b) exist. The reversal, or "reassessment", came after several scientific articles dismissing the sun as merely a "theory", which the administration relied upon and subsequently classified as top secret, were found to have been written not by scientists but rather by a Republican political consulting firm based in Austin, Texas. The group is headed by a former fraternity brother of the president. White House spokesman Scott McClellan denied that the president recalled ever speaking with anyone from the group in a non-fundraising context, and alternatively that the information, though fake, was accurate at the time.

The Department of Justice is investigating the leak of the authorship of the articles, prompting questions from both parties in Congress as to whether the disclosure was as great of a concern as the longstanding reliance on data falsified by the president's associates. Several senators also expressed skepticism that any executive privilege would apply to the discredited articles. Appearing in a Senate hearing addressing these issues, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales defended the investigation, warning that to discuss either the information or the privilege claimed by the president would place the nation at an immediate risk of simultaneous terrorist attacks on its largest cities.

In Monday's speech in Milwaukee, the president took some people aback when he said, "See, you have to understand, that yellow thing in the sky may be far away. But it is vital to our freedom. And our way of life. To bend it to our will."

"Roof makers will one day be able to make a solar roof that protects you from the elements and at the same time, powers your house," Bush said. "The vision is this — that technology will become so efficient that you'll become a little power generator in your home, and if you don't use the energy you generate you'll be able to feed it back into the electricity grid."

He continued, "Some have said that it is not so important to conquer the sun. They would prefer to see America dependent. On the moolahs and others. Who bear us ill. Because they hate our liberty. And because of their nucular ambitions. We must protect our way of life. By acquiring. For the cause of freedom. The single greatest, heh, source, hee, of nucular material, huh, in the, UH, solar system." He then moaned and ground his pelvis against the podium in what appeared to be a throe of ecstasy.


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